Teen Romance = Teen Heartbreak

So the enneagram has been all the rage in 2019. Churches are talking about it, sermons are happening etc etc. finding out I’m a big FOUR was a fun realization for me. 

This explained why I am such a sappy romantic, why I have been so excited to have teenage girls so they could have ROMANCE. It sounds ridiculous to say it out loud, because what mom WANTS their teenagers in relationships in Jr or Sr high school? Not many....but me. Yup. 

When my oldest got her first boyfriend I was always wanting him over, wanting to be with them when they were hanging out, I loved to see them together. It was adorable and they were so sweet together. 2+ years they “dated”.... 8-10th grade!

But do you know what almost inevitably comes with teen romance? Teen break ups, and this was possibly the second hardest parenting time of my life, last July.....when she got dumped.  He was kind enough to come over and do it face to face, they talked a long time. When she came inside I knew, she was devastated (honestly they both were so sad). Immediately she wanted to go to her girlfriends, so I drove her. There she was surrounded by hugs and uplifting words, it was good for her, another mom got to be the one who bought her break up ice cream and chocolates...not me. But when that night came, she wanted to sleep with me and she let me stroke her hair and face again, just like she was my baby. It was awful. And wonderful. But mostly awful. I could not fix this. 

Cuddling between the tears. Still so beautiful. :)

Sadly, here we are, months later and the heartbreaking story has repeated itself. No, not a two plus year boyfriend. But a whirlwind of a couple months, one “official” month, homecoming, parties, Halloween, Christmas tree decorating, dinner dates, movie dates. Sweetest guy, very driven, loves God, is positive and uplifting to her... but he lives about 45 minutes away and the time put into their relationship (talking, texting, trying to find days to have dates etc) was pulling him away from his school work and grades were showing that. :((This apparently meant-he lost his 4.0)I guess I commend him for recognizing it, but they’re so in love. I don’t care if it wasn’t the kind of love you get married for or that lasts for eternity, it was 17-year-old-boyfriend-girlfriend-love, and it’s real. (Insert toddler-style foot stomping here.)And losing it hurts.And again, I cannot fix it. 
I’m mad at myself. Mad that I care so much about these relationships. This should not be a focus for my daughters, but here I am. Trying to make sense of a high school break up...again! She SHOULD be single and fully focusing on her first year in college and being a jr in High School. I should feel relief! She’s surrounded by great friends, so she will be fine, but why am I so sad? I don’t dream of my daughters’ careers or successes in life, I dream of their weddings (literally I have a Pinterest board), their marriages, hopefully a life of romance and I dream of their future families. I dream of son-in-laws, maybe from never having a son, but still, what is wrong with me? Or maybe I’m not SO different and it’s just something not many talk about. 
Then there will be the aftermath of how she feels about herself. And there is no convincing her otherwise. She’s said things to me like “I’m a terrible person, I’m a bad girlfriend, I’m just annoying” etc. None of this is true, but the rejection doesn’t help. 
*Also, at 17, I feel I may have completely lost her. So how can I be there for her....She told her BF recently that she’s convinced I hate hate her. (Yeah I read a text message or two! They’re 17!)  this feeling of me hating her came about when I needed to go pay her college fees and asked if she’d like to go along and we get Starbucks. Clearly a hateful thing, to pay your fees for you and buy you Starbucks before choir. :( But she assumed I had some negative ulterior motive.I hardly see her because of her college and high school and sports schedule. When she’s home she’s most often in her room....I just wanted a moment together, but “I” hate her. Yet here I am, up late into the wee hours, blubbering over her break up and almost praying they can work things out, set up a system and schedule blah blah blah. Because she’s miserable and went to sleep crying. And. I. Can’t. Fix. It. Don’t they say if your kids don’t hate you at some point, you’re not doing it right!? 
Blessed to have Great Grandma around for so many years of their lives so far.
Sometimes I imagine being as old as my 91 year old grandma, knowing these moments will be forgotten and we will get through it. But I certainly don’t want to miss what’s coming along the way the journey matters, and so does the small stuff (because to our children it is the biggest stuff in their life at the moment)...some moments are just tough to watch them walk through. 
Victoria 

Dare I Start Again....

Surprised myself by remembering all my log in information tonight. 

Go me!

It’s been a long time, 4.5 years to be exact! 

Raising God’s Daughters hasn’t gotten easier, the hard things just seem to morph into new hard things. But I stopped feeling that I had the freedom or permission to share my heart during these teen years, it’s an icky feeling to need to balance your emotional needs with your children’s. Icky. 

Tonight brought me back to needing to write. Although many times these last years I have needed an outlet, tonight I will see if this helps. 

If it helps ME. 

You see, my girls are full-blown teens now. 

They BOTH went to homecoming this year! How time flies...

Their lives have private moments and people and situations....which can make parenting feel so incredibly lonely. Yes, I get to know all the things, or some of it at least, but I’m terrified to tell anyone. I’m terrified that someone will spill and it will get back to my kids and they will never trust me again....but moms need to talk things out too! I’m mainly afraid of this because it has happened to us. A fellow mom, who I think I trust completely, tells their child everything I say and that child tells mine “my mom said your mom told her....” And all of the sudden I’m public enemy #1 and can never be trusted again. 

You can’t tell your family for fear that they will use information against you or your child. 

You certainly can’t tell someone who may have the opportunity to say “I told you so!” 

So you say nothing, bottle it up for the day and cry silently in your bed at night. 

Because it’s hard. 

It hurts. 

Knowing your children are hurting breaks your heart, and there’s little you can do. 

They must work through things, this is what builds them into strong and resilient adults, right?

I keep reminding myself that I made it out...maybe not unscathed, but I survived and am here to try to make the adjustments needed to not let my girls COMPLETELY repeat my mistakes and heartbreaks. 

Being resilient isn’t about no heartbreak, I know that. It is about how you come back from it, what you learn and the strength you gain along the way. Praying I’m still doing enough...I’m doing the best I can with what little I know. 

<3 

Victoria 

Redeemer

Grrr...
My crazy mouth says stupid things some days.  Today a friend was talking about having children....what do I say? "It's really hard!!!"  

Not that I was speaking untruthfully, but let's be honest, that's not the best way to advertise motherhood! Am I right?  Sure it is difficult some days, but they are so worth the struggle.  And when it is most difficult we learn so much!  Our best life lessons come through pain, and parenting can certainly bring that....pain, and love and growth and blessings beyond measure.

Recently we went through something very personal with one of our daughters.  It was by far thee hardest thing that I have ever had to "deal with" as a mother, thus far.  It HURT.  I was hurt for her, for us as her parents, for the world and culture we live in.  I literally felt broken.  I cried as hard as if I had actually lost a child, of course I can not compare this in reality, as I have never faced such a tragedy, but this is how my soul felt....like she had been lost.  And nothing I could do could repair this damage.  Parenting IS hard.  

But we do not parent alone....God has always been beside me.  He can redeem what has been broken or lost.  He makes all things new!  I cannot do these things, but I have the faith to trust that He will carry me during these darker times.  And my girls are witnessing God in these moments too.  Without any hard times, how would we truly recognize God at work?  I'm grateful for the "hard parenting days".  Much more grateful for the simple ones, where everyone is happy, and enjoys one another, sure.  But both bring blessing and great memories.  And in these days where innocence is fleeting, tweens years if you will....I am loving the opportunity that God is giving ME.  Opportunity to show grace, compassion, love, tenderness, and understanding to my daughters. To show Jesus. 

For one or two days, I struggled, cried, prayed.  Thought all was lost.  But my god is not the God of dead and lost things....He is the God of life and renewal!

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

Being a mom means sharing what I love to do with my girls!
My baby and I on our way to family yoga class!

Being a mom means embarassing your kids and developing a great sense of humor in them!  I love being a mom.....more than anything on the earth.

Being a mom means watching your baby become a woman right before your eyes.  There is nothing like it, God's gift of a lifelong friend in a tiny package that all too soon grows to be taller than you and share your shoes....

Yes. Having kids is hard work.  But there is no other work in the world that I would rather do. There is no other work in the world that has a greater reward.

  

Is She On a Diet?

Answer: No!

What I have been doing since September 2014 is not a diet.  This is my new lifestyle of nutritionally cleansing my body from toxins on a regular basis; since toxins seem to be coming at me on a regular basis!  The food I eat, the lotions and perfumes I use, the air I breathe, the fill in the blank.....let's face it, we live in a TOXIC world.  Don't act like you don't know!

I've learned a lot since I began back in September.  Fat hangs out to help me.  It protects vital organs from all the toxins inside my body.  No matter how much I do to just “lose weight”, the fat will just keep coming back to “help” me, if I do not get the toxins OUT and keep them OUT! 

I have tried (not very hard, or successfully) several different ways to lose weight, to feel better, to look better.  But to no avail! I have zumba'd, I have weight watchers'd, I have YMCA'd, I have personal trainer'd, I have weight loss challenged with friends and Facebook groups, I have 5k'd....last summer I even did the whole30.  That brought amazing and instant results!  I was convinced that was IT!  But whole30, takes WORK.  Lots of grocery trips costing lots of money, lots of cleaning and cutting and preparing and planning.  And DISHES, ha!!! Three meals a day, and if I forgot lunch?  Options are to eat fast food, or starve until dinner…..  Call me lazy, I am not offended.  I'm much like the rest of my fellow Americans in the fact that I am all for easy and convenient.

I must admit, I was skeptical to jump on the nutritional cleansing ship with my family members who had already begun their journey!  Everyone probably thinks all the same things about “products” etc…but man am I happy that I took that leap of faith and had my husband's support behind me! I have a family member that has released 60 pounds since the spring/summer and kept it off!  Another family member that has released about 60 pounds and is still steadily going strong.  So of course, I was intrigued!

My first 20 pounds came off without any exercise change to my life at all, in the first two months!  Then came HOT YOGA.  Now that I have been strengthening my body and building lean muscle, the pounds aren't coming off as fast, but I have still let another 15 pounds go and am about 43.5 inches smaller since beginning my journey (most of those inches in my tush, waist, and diaphragm).  I had to replace my XL running/fitness pants with some MEDIUMS after Christmas time, thankful I got gift cards for Christmas!!  Feels SO good!  Now even my MEDIUMS are loosey goosey, with every move and stretch I need to pull them back up.....could I really need a SMALL?  In PANTS?

I know that when I see myself in the mirror, I should know I am loved and accepted by God no matter how I physically LOOK.  And I do know this.  But I had gotten to a point where I just wasn't comfortable in my own skin.  I had heightened cholesterol, based on my weight alone.  I would become winded going up my own stairs each day. My guts hurt from having to lean over to tie my own shoes. I was sad, depressed maybe.  I wanted my body to make me feel full of life and energy, to make me feel beautiful and fit, to make me feel strong!  This is the body God has given me, and I only get one.  Instead my body made me feel sad, unhealthy, lazy, worthless, and just YUCKY.  I was at the point where I would do ANYTHING (any healthy thing) to finally feel better.  Maybe that is where lots of people have to get before they make the choice to DO SOMETHING about it.

Best news yet is my Dr. visit!  I was never so excited to have my blood drawn for testing, but guess what?  No more high cholesterol for this mamma!  My Dr. was so happy, he printed me up a copy of my lab results and said "you need to keep a copy of these because they ROCK!"  Then he shook my hand and told me "Great work!  Keep it up!"  I made him look over all my products, so he knew I was doing something GOOD and something SAFE, he found nothing to complain about and was intrigued by the idea of nutritional cleansing vs "weight loss products".  Because they are absolutely NOT weight loss products! It's my hope that many more doctors become aware of this program and begin to endorse it!  I know the affect that this program will bring to millions in their health and wellness...I'm a walking testimony!

I will absolutely continue this lifestyle.

It is the easiest thing I have EVER done to be healthy.  

EASIEST.  

THING.  

EVER.

It is so worth all that I have given up, to make it happen.

I do not need Starbucks, fast food, junk at the store, and we are saving that money! Money that I can put into HEALTH.  Into my own health, and hopefully into my family’s health in the future!

Left: One year ago, a proud parenting moment with my daughters....
but looking like this, feeling terrible about myself.
Right: Now, one year later, shopping in the juniors department!
I'm feeling confident, healthy and strong!

Yoga and THIS Christian Woman

I began attending hot yoga classes back in November.  I didn't know what to expect, could I handle it at all?  But what I REALLY didn't expect was having to stand up for it, and to defend it.  I guess I didn't know how strongly some people (of faith) feel against this "exercise"....
I feel truly blessed by this practice over the last few months, and have SEEN physical improvements and mental improvements in myself. 

The curve in the top of my spine is now completely straight! I just might be taller! (*UPDATE: I did grow (stretch) 1/4 inch taller!) I never have foot pain in the mornings (was DAILY) any longer, I really FEEL amazing!  But creating the TIME to be only by myself and meditating on whatever I choose has been such a gift. I am not a quiet spirited person, I rush and go and ask questions later, but these sessions allow me time to slow down, breathe deep and realize that there IS time. There are zero distractions. There is time for me to concentrate on God. There are no cell phones or children beckoning. There is time for me to pray. The outside world is quiet and I can focus. There is time for me to listen to His whispers. And the time is so worth it. I pay money for that time!
and.....I AM WORTH IT.

I have no doubt God comes with me, meets me wherever I am in the day. Never have I felt uncomfortable, never have I felt like I've stepped outside of His protection. If ANYTHING I feel as if He is pleased to meet with me there. Pleased that I've begun making our meetings a priority. Pleased that I'm honoring the temple He has created for me in such an intimate and detailed way.

The only instruction given to me during my practice is body movements/placement, never have I been asked to pray to any god or chant or worship anything. Hatha is what I love most, and this form of yoga is what I will continue to do, as the studio I belong to doesn't offer much beyond just the physical postures for health and exercise. 

Hinduism may involve yoga, but not all yoga is Hinduism. I am not Hindu, or Buddhist. I am the bride of Christ. I am a slave to God, thee only God, and creator of my whole world. 
And if I walk into a yoga studio and do NOT feel a burden from The Holy Spirit to high tail it out of there, and never feel convicted about choosing this form of exercise, I refuse to apologize for going. I refuse to be defensive or argumentative either, as this doesn't help anybody. But most importantly I resolve, from this moment on, to not concern myself with anyone else's opinion, besides my God.

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."(Galatians 1:10 NIV)

Football Mom? That's Me!

I always make jokes that God knew I couldn't handle boys, so I have two daughters.  Jeff and I were meant to have daughters.  Maybe that is true....I mean, what on earth would I do with a son?

When I began working at Lincoln High School as the athletic "clerk" or secretary, there were lots of opinions floating around me.  Many teased, "you should get a gun", "learn self defense", " don't wear your rings or jewelry", "are you scared?"  With all of those comments, maybe I was, GEEZE people!

I quickly realized I was dealing with student athletes and they were awesome.  I had a heart for these kids, learning their struggles, etc. I remembered how tough high school was for me.  Trying to fit in, get grades up and playing sports, singing in choir, play practices, etc, it is exhausting, and at that time, you think life is so hard.  Add in family drama and life WAS hard.  These kids were right there.  They wanted to play sports which meant they had to have decent grades and not miss school, they are almost all very dedicated. A little clueless at times, but dedicated! :) These kids just needed love.  Period.  They needed to know you cared about them, and knew their names.  They needed to know they mattered to someone.

Last spring I was asked to start a new job, one that didn't exist and that would be created if I said yes.  It was a little leap of faith, not knowing what to expect.  I was leaving a job with the school district to start working for our high school football team.  Pretty sure there aren't other high school football teams with a secretary, haha!!  But how can you say no?  A former NFL quarterback is coaching our team.  Everyone wants to play for him.  He has huge dreams for the team, school, community.  God is in all of it.  You can't. You do not say no to this opportunity.  So I accepted the position, and have been learning along the way. It has been wonderful.  I'm not just part of a football staff.  I'm part of a MOVEMENT happening in that whole area.  It is so much bigger than a "football program".  When it all began and I knew what I might be getting into, I felt a bit like David...asking God, "who am I, that would get to be part of something like this? Who Am I that it would be offered to ME?"

I think sometimes in parenting we lose our identity a bit.  Of course we are always who we are to Christ, but in the human flesh part, it can hurt to become "______'s mom".  Maybe it is just me.  Parenting has taught me just how selfish a person I was before the girls were born.  It is a privilege to be their mother, of course, they are amazing girls.  I have an 11 year old that wants to become a teacher for special needs students when she grows up.  She spends all of her recesses in the special needs classroom at school, helping out and loving these kids that have no friends.  I never had a passion like that at 11! Her love language? Time, just quality time being listened to and approved in your eyes (which is what she gives to those kids).  I have a 9 year old that is perpetually happy.  Brings jokes and laughter and smiles wherever she goes, and is an amazingly devoted friend.  She's the student that gets asked to help the new students adjust by hanging out with them and showing them around, making them feel part of everything.  They are both every teacher's dream student, what's not to be proud of there!?

I've realized something recently, though.  All my life, all I wanted to be was a mother.  Even as a teenager, I would dream of it.  An old friend recently said to me, "well you're living your dream!" and I was confused, "what do you mean?"  She said, "Don't you remember always walking around with a pillow in your shirt saying how great you looked pregnant and how you couldn't wait to have kids?"  Ummmm...no.  I have no recollection of this, nor would I admit if I did.  But that was me, always playing Mamma!  By the time I turned 16, I had 5 younger siblings, from 4 years old to 10 years old.  And I loved taking them to movies or shopping or the zoo, etc. Now, here I am.

Say "Hello" to my other children:)

This is the team after arriving in Portland, OR last week.

Fast forward to NOW.  Last weekend I spent 2 days with the entire football team on a trip to Portland, OR. I spent most of my time with the managers, beautiful young ladies.  I cannot wait to see them more this year. Like I said, I have a thing for daughters. (;
But seeing the way these young men are being ministered to, the love that is being poured out on them, and the change in every player.  It brought tears to my eyes.  Sure, I was tired, this could be why I was emotional, haha!!  But to physically SEE God at work, and to see these young men aren't just being treated as football players, but 100% as SONS.....that is what this is all about.  Sitting in the stands watching them, I felt a great deal of pride, just as the other parents in the stands, but they had SONS on the team.  One mom had a son on JV and stayed to watch Varsity.  She nearly cried when she saw him come out suited up for the Varsity game, too.  And so did I, seeing her joy!  I could have been such a good "football mom" if I had had sons.  Now I get to be, anyway.

Someone asked which player was mine.  I said, "Oh, I don't have a player.  But they're all mine!"
Even though I am still trying to put faces to names, I love them all.  They will do great things, and become great men.  They are so polite and have great pride in what they are a part of.  They have a deep respect for their leaders, coaches and even the seniors, it is amazing to have a front row seat to that.

When leaving the hotel, the woman checking us in and out told me they were the best football team that had ever stayed there.  She said it was wonderful that we WANTED our coaches near the players, while some coaches want to be on the opposite side of the hotel and away from their players.  I told her, even if they weren't all close by, they would have been just as good.  They respect their coaches and know they have something good going on!

I may be raising two of God's most precious daughters...but these coaches and all involved are helping to raise MANY of God's most precious sons.  And He is so faithful to meet them where they are, love them where they are, and bring people who would grow their faith in Him and in THEMSELVES!  They will make it out of Egypt, this I'm sure....

Oh my heart :)

I am blessed to be any part, even the tiniest part, of their experience.  I hope I get to stay connected for years to come, it will look different every year, and I know that those changes are blessing the lives of the people in the school and community.  It is beauty, pure beauty.

-Victoria

Passport 2 Purity

The Passport to Purity http://www.familylife.com/find-help/key-resources/passport2purity#.U-pjUfldWjI is something I knew I wanted to do with both of my daughters....around age 13, hopefully!

I had heard about it before, and recently a friend blogged about her experience with her own daughter, you can laugh about it here:
http://hollylucoon.com/?p=678
I thought to myself, "well, surely it can't be that hard for all of us!!!??"  Haha!

13.  Yes, that sounds perfect, right? But when "Mother Nature" showed up for my 11 year old, on the last day of 5th grade this year, I decided it was time.  Kids in her classes are "going out" and getting caught kissing out at recess! So I thought "No, thank you!" to the idea of some elementary aged kiddo teaching my daughter about sex and purity, when it could be ME, and it could be done biblically!  Her body can now produce life and this is the time she needs to, at the very least, start thinking about it all.

So we set off on our journey...to Kent, WA.  I know what you are thinking, not exactly exotic or exciting in the least.  My thought was it was close to Kent Station where we could do fun things, and close to Grama's house, where little sister was staying.  Less driving, more fun:)
Beeteedub: Don't stay at the Kent Days Inn for "fun".  It's a trucking hotel nightmare and reeks of cigarette smoke and over loaded room deodorizer.  Aaaaaand, well, it is just a dump, especially for $100 a night. Big. Fat. Dump.  I nearly cried when we got to our room, realizing this was far from the fun and pampered weekend I had dreamed up in my mind. I digress....

First of all, you should know, P2P is a set of audio CD's designed to listen to throughout your weekend together.  The best part is they do ALL the talking and teaching!! Woohoo!!  WINNING:)  However there are times you pause and talk it over with your son or daughter, and they get to ask you questions or you work on something together.  There were some awesome object lessons.

Light a match and blow it out.
Now try to light it again.....
(clearly it cannot be done)
Such is our virginity, one time only!
Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4

Make a yellow play-doh person (you) and blue play-doh person (good friend)
Mix them together, they are now two green people, still good, but changed by each other.
Mix both with a red play-doh person (bad influence "friend")
This makes three very poopy looking people
1 Corinthians 15:33

First on our list of "fun" non-sexual-purity talk activities was the Peridot Nail Salon at Kent Station.  She got a pedicure and matching polish on her finger nails.  And here is where God gave me the giggles...seriously we have all heard of His sense of humor, but this was just 100% a teachable moment smacking us, quite literally, in my daughter's face.

Look at this treatment!!

Now. Look CLOSER.......

SERIOUSLY DUDE?

At least when we looked at each other, we could BOTH understand the irony that stood in her grill, the complete opposition of anything pure.  Modesty escapes this guy, AND the bootylicious body on his very publicly worn t shirt! 

Next up was a quick dinner at Chipotle before catching Earth to Echo at the AMC.  Flashbacks to The Blair Witch Project came to me, as the whole thing was "home video style".  At least it was not scary and nightmare inducing like the witch movie! I did leave the theater feeling a bit yuck-o, though :(

Back at our hotel we started through more CD's of our purity weekend.  Most of it was pretty straight forward and we talked a lot.  It inspired good conversation about friends and peer pressure (LOTS of talk about peer pressure, which I loved!).  Some things were harder to go over than others, but all in all I think we did really well.  Again my complete lack of tact wins!  She was reminded several times that even though this all seems like a non-interest topic, soon enough these thoughts will be real to her. There was an activity where we had to list activities with the opposite sex from safest to most dangerous....YIKES!!!  

Talking to my 11 year old who thinks the act of sex should "make you want to puke", about all that LEADS UP to said act was a little embarrassing but we got through, and she even had some insights of her own to add.  Hand holding, touching below the neck, touching below the waist, being alone together, kissing, etc...and of course not in that particular order.

The next morning we went to "free breakfast" at the dump hotel, and started back up with the program in our room.  These sessions, were MORE of the actual sex stuff, and the 11 year old was NOT interested!!!  She was tired, as was I and we were hitting a sex-talk wall....we did get to skip one CD because it was about puberty and development....been there, done that!!  Whew!  Even though the last CD's were the most difficult we got through them.  All that was talked about was a seed planted even if there aren't roots yet:)

We followed up our sessions with a great lunch at Mama Stortini's.  

I was able to give her a little gift to commemorate our time together.  

And the journey continues....

On and on we go, I know it doesn't end here. But I feel very confident in this little girl, or young woman, and the person she is and is becoming.  She is confident in herself.  She is innocent and pure.  She is strong and powerful, and will make me the most proud mother ever for years and years.  She is a gift, my gift:) 

When she was born I didn't know God, personally.  Just knew He was.  We chose her name based on what we liked and and didn't argue over ;)  I was told by a very "devout christian" co-worker, "God has nothing to do with your pregnancy."  We weren't married, so of course, it was all some ugly consequence of sin.

When she was older, we found out the meaning of her name....

Spanish: Devoted to God.

English: My God is bountiful, God of plenty.

French: Consecrated to God.

She's all His!  

Luckily, she gets to be mine, too.